Am I doing right?

That was the first day in the office. I was waiting at the reception, when the front office executive called me and took me to a big empty conference hall. She asked me to wait there, till others join. I had a weird feeling… excited, confused, anxious, energetic, insecure, confident, at the same time, skeptic. I can only image so many emotions while reading mystery thriller novels.

Coping some courage, I walked in to the room, picked a corner seat where I can barely be noticed. Waiting for others to join me, I tried making a phone call, when someone opened the door and called out “Sanya!” I stood up and said it is me! He walked in and introduced himself as HR Executive and invited me to complete the joining formalities. I had some documents to submit and sign etc., I was trying to arrange the documents in order, and noticed that my hands were shivering. I couldn’t find the documents, which were right in front of me. By then, a few others walked into the room. All of them were new joiners of the day. The HR executive introduced himself to others and gave the same list and explained the formalities as he did with me.

While I was busy arranging the documents, signing the letters and filling in a few details, one girl walked to me and introduced herself. “Hi! I’m Riya. I’m from Fernedes College of Engineering.” Shaking my hands with her, I said “Hi! I’m Sanya from Kolkata. I’ve 8 yrs of experience as HR Manager. And am returning back to work after a break of 5 yrs.” She, along with her friends, who gathered just after hearing my intro, replied “Wow! Ma’am! Nice to meet you. This is our first job Ma’am. We joined through Campus Placements. I heard that today there are about 20 freshers joining in.” I smiled at them nodding, and continued with putting my documents together and completing the formalities.

While doing so, there were many things running in my mind. As today is the first day for me at office, it is the first day for my kids at home, without me. My son was 5 years old and daughter is 3 years. I was worried, if they had completed their breakfast. I packed a cup of cereals each in the morning and asked my maid to feed them at 9 AM. Their school van comes at 9:30 AM to take them to the play school. I was worried if they are getting dressed properly? Hoping the maid doesn’t forget to pack their water bottle and lunch box. Both of them are used to me dropping them at the school van. I was worried if they would get cranky if someone else drops them at the school van. I couldn’t even make a call to check if everything was taken care.

Just then, a few seniors walked into the room. I knew three of them, as they took my final interview. They introduced themselves as the leadership team of the organization, and one of them Dr. Payal Gupta, HR Director called me:

“Hey Sanya! Good to see you here. Welcome to INFRO Tech! Welcome to our family!”

Feeling a little embarrassed of getting special attention in the room,

I smiled back at her and said “Thank you Ma’am.”

I’ll be directly reporting to her. Then, the HR Executive explained to us the process for the day. After a series of introductions, briefings, orientation the leadership team walked out. Then the other agenda of the day continued. Frankly, I hardly remember any of those conversations, as I was just worried about how things were at home. If my in-laws got their meals and medicines on time? My husband left for office without any trouble? My kids came back home on-time? And what not?

During Lunch break, Riya and her friends offered me to join for them for lunch, and I agreed reluctantly. I had a few phone calls to make. I called my maid, spoke to my in-laws and my husband, though everyone said that things are in control and normal, I could hardly believe them, as I heard my daughter crying in the background. I could barely have lunch. I was regretting my decision to come back to work. After all my kids need me. They are too young to be manage themselves. Finally, my first day ended. Without wasting a second, I ran back to the exit door, took an auto, and ran back home.

I could see my kids running to me, they cuddled me and asked me “Mama! Did you enjoy your first day at work?”, “Mama! Did you cry like I did on the first day to my school?” my son enquired eagerly.

My in-laws congratulated me on my first day and reassured me that everything went well, in control. But somewhere in my mind, I had the guilt of leaving my responsibilities and running away for work. Actually, nobody forced me to go back to work. Neither did anyone discourage me or did anyone encourage me to work. I was my own decision. My husband took just one promise when I made this decision.

He said, “Promise me that you will stand by your decision! You will not run away midway from it”. At that time, I didn’t realize that it was a tough promise. But that day, I understood how difficult it was. It was just one day!

Carrying the guilt, yet bound to keep my promise, I continued to go for work. I used to be there at sharp 9:00 AM, during my breaks, I made a routine to call my in-laws, my maid, my husband, talk to my children and start back home at sharp 6:00 PM.

My colleagues used to say that “Sanya! We need to correct our watch basis your In and Out Timings!” I didn’t care any of those comments, as I felt, none of them really understand what I was going through.

2 months passed with this routine. One day, my daughter fell sick. She was running 100 temperature. I decided to take her to the hospital and stay back home. I left a WhatsApp message to my boss, kept my mobile in silent mode and was taking care of my daughter. That afternoon she was alright. It was just a normal fever, as she started going to Preschool just recently. With some relief, I looked at my phone. Damn! I had 40 missed calls and 50 messages, all from my office. I had to submit some report to my boss and we had a presentation with MD that afternoon! All the documents were in my laptop, password protected. I thought I’ll share the documents that morning, after quick review, as I was always the first one who used to come to office.

I used to have ample time in the morning. I didn’t have the courage to call her back. I just switched off my phone, and sat down all worried. My in-laws enquired if everything was Ok, but answered themselves that I might be a little nervous about my daughter’s health. At night, my husband enquired what the problem was. I broke out near him, explained him what happened that day.

He consoled me, explained me that I should have returned the call at least after seeing the messaging. And guided me on how to handle this situation the next day. I could hardly sleep that night. Next morning, I got ready, went back to office, with thousand thoughts in my mind. Unable to take the stress anymore, I told myself, if my boss doesn’t understand my situation, I better quit. I’ll put my resignation right across and walk back home.

Thinking all this, I was arranging my desk, having a sip of coffee and clearing some pending mails, when a few of my colleagues just walked in. This was no less than a mystery thriller for me. I thought, they are going to blame me for yesterday. To my surprise, the first thing they asked was how is my girl and if everything with her and at home was alright.

Nobody even asked about the documents. I gathered some courage asked them, how the meeting went yesterday. They said everything went well and they could manage with some backup. Though a little relieved, I walked into the cabin of my boss, as I had a few updates to discuss with her that day. She welcomed me into the room, we discussed work. The discussion wasn’t as I expected it to be. It made me bashful.  I couldn’t concentrate much on work. So, after lunch, I decided to walk to my boss cabin and talk out my mind to her.

Taking her time for ½ hour, I walked into her room. I couldn’t open my mouth. I tried talking to her, but my lips shivered, my throat was dry.

Understanding my situation, she opened the conversation. “Sanya! What happened? Is everything Ok?”.

At this point, I had tears in my eyes and I immediately bent my head to cover them.

She continued, “Sanya! Do you know why we hired you?”. I gazed her in anticipation. “You are energetic, committed, thoughtful, intelligent, hardworking and dedicated individual.” But I felt, I didn’t display any of these behaviors after I joined.

I told her, but Payal, I never…

She interrupted me. “Sanya! Did you ever observe that our team has 70% women? Of them, 50% are come back moms like you. Including myself!”

I was baffled. “Each one of us went through, what you are going through right now. We understand. And we believe that you can sail through.”

I started crying like a child.

I started talking “Payal! I feel guilty to come to work. I feel guilty that I’m not a good mother, daughter-in-law, wife or an employee. I’m unable to give my best at either at home or at work.”

Sobbing and rubbing my tears like a kindergarten child, I continued “I want to quit Payal. I’m not as good as anyone of you. I want to resign for my job.”

Payal sat beside me, she took my hands in hers and said “Sanya! I’m here to respect whatever your decision is. But I just have a small request. I just want you to reflect. Reflect on – Who is Sanya? What does she like? What does she want? What will make her happy? How can she make herself happy? Take your own time to find your answers. Come back to me after that and I’ll honor whatever your decision is.”

These words stuck me very hard. Little relaxed and lost in deep thinking, I thanked Payal and walked out of the room. I started reflecting. I was a bright, hardworking and ambitious student. Though a mediocre, I made sure to give my best in everything I do.

I always wanted to work and be independent, parallelly take care of my family. In fact, that was the most important criteria for me while getting married. Before taking a career break, I was recognized as “Employee of the Year” for 5 consecutive years. I got 4 promotions in 8 years of my career in past. I was always known for balancing my responsibilities. Then? Why am I scared now? Why am I feeling guilty? This self-reflection, gave me some unknown energy. I suddenly felt, how beautifully the world around me is supporting my dream. This happiness and support gave me confidence to balance my responsibilities as a Women, Mother and an employee. I continued to work and there was no turning back.

Today, during a New Employee orientation as HR Director in an organization, I saw myself in a girl, sitting in the corner with the same emotions I went through in past. I know and can understand what she needs! The urban story continues.