Love Beyond Lust

I am eagerly waiting for the last school bell. It's 3:25 pm, only 5 minutes more for the last period to get over. Do you know why I am so excited because it's my birthday today. I wanna go home, my parents would have arranged a cake cutting function. I will wear a new dress, will receive gifts, chocolates and I will have more fun with my friends. Everyone will be in excitement mode, on our birthday. Finally, once the bell rang, I rushed out of the class. My car driver was waiting outside the school gate. I opened the car door and asked him to drive the car faster. I am a 5th-grade student who was born with a silver spoon. When I entered the home, the servants were standing outside the house, there was no indication of a celebration. I went to the kitchen, but my mom was not there. Then I rushed to the bedroom when I opened the door, my father was sitting in the bed facing the window. I went near him, his eyes were red and full of tears. Usually, men won't cry that easily, they cry when their heart breaks into pieces. He was holding a paper with him, so I asked him about it. He didn't respond to me, but after a few minutes, he asked me to come closer to him. He pulled me and hugged me tightly. I asked him “What happened papa”. He said, “I loved her a lot, how can she leave us like this”. I didn't understand anything so I asked him again. He replied, “Your mom has run away with another man. Even for your sake, she would have stayed here”. After hearing this, my whole happiness was shattered. I said, “No papa, I will ask Mom to come back, she will come. I will call her. She loves me, papa”. My father replied, “No beta if she loves you, she won't leave us like this”. My father was crying hard while hugging me. We didn't eat for two days, I was crying..crying..crying. After 5 days I consoled myself and went back to school. My father didn't go to the office, he was just drinking (alcohol), drinking, drinking for many days. After a year, my father went abroad; he didn't take me with him. Even though there were servants to serve me, I was all alone in that big house. At one point, I stopped worrying. No one is going to uplift me, I am the one who can do it. After schooling I went to college, though I am rich I can get seats in any college. I got a seat in the Falcon College of Engineering because that's the only college where my father didn't have any spies. He always used to have a spy around me to get updates about me. Then my college days started. The college time is 9 am, but I will enter the class by 11:30 am. Sometimes I will skip the classes if I don't want to listen. I have some friends with me, we all are from rich families. Our daily routine is to enter the class by 11:30 am, after having lunch we will head out to the movies, and then in the evening, we will go to the pub. Sometimes I will drink in class and sleep on the last bench. Some professors will scold me and some don't have the guts to speak in front of me. One day I was fully drunk and sleeping on the last bench, and when I woke up I felt drowsy. Someone had poured water on my bench, so I searched for a cloth to wipe the water off. There was a shawl all alone, so I used it. Suddenly a girl rushed towards me and pulled the shawl from my hands and pushed me down. I got angry and scolded her with a very bad word. When the fight turned into a war, she shouted “bastard”. In anger, I told her “Yes bitch, I am a bastard. Will give money, can you sleep with me tonight”. Then she complained to the HOD. But the HOD didn't take any action towards my behavior. Then the students in my class started to gossip about me like “he is so rich, whatever he does no one is going to question him. He is a bastard, he treats women as a product. Women are a play toy for him. He will go to hell”. Then everyone stopped talking to me. Some of my class girls will start to curse me whenever they see me and some will wantedly avoid me, some get scared of me. But I like everyone hating me. Why should I worry about others? My routine became like drinking alcohol in the morning, going to college, sleeping on the last bench, then heading forward to the pub, dancing with girls, and sometimes sleeping with them. What more does a man need in life?If I spend some money I will get anything in my life (even girls). I never respected anyone, even when the professor entered I wouldn't stand. If someone talks against me, I can shut their mouth by throwing some money. No one is there to control my life, I have made my own rules. This is the life I lived till my 4th semester. After the 4th semester exam holidays, I went to college. As Usual I was late to class when I entered the class, there was no one. There was only one girl sitting on the last bench and I think she was crying. I couldn’t see her face properly. She was wearing a faded kurthi; one half-rusted metal bangle; a plastic earring; broken watch. When I entered the class, she panicked and ran to one corner, facing the floor, and said “Please don't come near me”. I didn't listen to her and walked forward. She got nervous and said, “Please don't come near me, my dress was torn at the backside of my shoulders, and I can't go out”. When I stepped forward, she started to cry; she didn't face me; her eyes were facing the ground. When her first tears hit the ground, I stopped stepping forward. I removed my jacket, kept it on a nearby bench, and left the class. I didn't speak a word to her. I think she is very sensitive, how can a girl be like this? She is crying over a silly thing. One of my friends called me and said they were in the laboratory. So, I straight away went to the laboratory. After the lab classes, myself and my friends went to the canteen. I saw the same girl in the canteen, she was wearing my jacket and cleaning the vessels. My friends ordered some chats, and the girl brought all of them and kept them on the table. After having the snacks, while leaving I went to pay the bill, she gave me the bill with a “thank you” note. It put a smile on my face. No one ever thanked me for anything. It was a new experience for me. Her note kept me Happy. I took the note with me and paid the bill at the counter. Then my friends went to the class and I was wandering around the college. When I was crossing my class, I saw the same girl standing outside the class and getting scoldings from the professor for being late. She was about to cry, so I went near her and stared at my professor for 5 seconds (gave him a rude look). The next second he shut his mouth, and then I told her to enter the class. I went to the last bench and took a nap for 3 hours. I woke up when the last bell rang, I took my bag and left the class. Straight away from the college I went to the pub, had 4 beers, 2 vodkas, and one Whiskey. I was fully drunk; couldn’t able to stand. At that time a girl came near me and asked do I needed any help. She was really very pretty; wearing a red cocktail gown; curly hair; wavy hips and the dress perfectly fitted her body. I was too drunk and couldn’t see her properly. She voluntarily helped me, I understood that she was interested in me. For some time, we were talking after that she told me that she would drop me. On the way home, she would have said “I love you” at least 100 times.

When I woke up in the morning, she was sleeping in my bed half naked. I know what would have happened last night. I kept a 50,000 Rs bundle on the bed and went to freshen up. When I came out after having the bath, she didn't leave. She was lying on the bed and said “Babe.. I love you”. I replied, “It’s just a one-night stay, you can leave now”. She replied, “I thought you loved me”. I said, “I don't have any feelings for you. I won't love anyone because I don't have emotions”. She was staring at me, then I threw another bundle of money on her body. Then she agreed to go out, what else a girl wants? Girls love men only for their money. We can solve any kind of problem with money. 

When I went to the college, it was already 11:30 AM. When I entered the classroom I saw the same girl getting scolded for not paying the lab fees. She was standing 2 benches before mine. I was watching her body structure; she was slim and in perfect shape too. Something from her attracted me, so I will ask her to stay with me tonight. Anyway, she needs money for her college fees, so I can use that in my favor. When everyone left the class, she was busy arranging her books. There was no one, other than us in the class. I went near her and said, “Hi, tonight………..”. Before I completed the sentence She replied “Hi, Had your lunch?”. Her question made me stand stunned. She was the first one to ask me this in my lifetime. I don't remember when my family asked me this question. I don't know what to reply. She said in a hurry “It's getting late, you will be hungry. Have your lunch soon”. Then she headed to the canteen. I followed her to the canteen, she was busy with her work. She cleaned the table, washed the vessels, and also served the customers. I asked my friends about her, they told me she is working here part-time. I came to the conclusion that she is a middle-class girl and she does all the part-time work for pocket money. After having lunch, we went back to the classroom. From the beginning of college I never stayed in the college after having lunch but today I am going to stay because of her. If I get any chance to talk with her, let me ask her for a night stay. I was waiting for a small chance, the entire day I didn't get a chance. After the last bell, I called her and said “Hi, myself Iyaan”. She replied “Myself Dharshana”. I asked her “I need to talk to you if you are free”. She replied, “Yeah, tell me”. I said, “I have a doubt about a topic, can you please explain it to me”. She agreed and we were sitting on the same bench, somewhat closer. She was busy explaining the subject, meanwhile, I went a little bit closer to her. She is not pale and also not so brown, somewhat dusky. She was wearing a chimmki earrings, that was swinging in her ears. A gold-coated metal bangle was moving in her hand while she was shaking her hands. On her neck, she was wearing a thin black rope. I moved a little forward towards her and tried to put my hand on her shoulder. Suddenly, I heard the sound of thunder, from my childhood, I was scared of thunder and lightning. My hands started to shiver, I closed my ears and went to one corner of the bench. She was asking me "what happened" again and again. The thunder sound reminds me of my childhood, the days when my mom was not there for me, the darkness of the nights, the dark shadows of my past. I struggled to breathe, I got nervous, and my eyes filled with tears. Dharshana held my hands tightly, patted my shoulders, and said “It’s ok, you will be alright”. After 2 minutes, I came to consciousness; my eyes were filled with redness and tears, and there was no gap between us; she was looking into my eyes; my heart started to race. The next moment I took my bag and tried to get out of the class. She was following me; she held my hands and asked “Are you alright”. I was not in the state to answer her, with full of anger I pushed her down and walked towards my car. Straight away I went to the pub and started drinking. The waiter was wearing a green color watch, it reminded me of Dharshana’s earrings. A girl was wearing a gold bracelet in the pub, it also remained Dharshana’s bangles. To distract myself I drank more and more. This was the first time, I sat that much closer to a girl; when she held my hands, I felt secure and I didn't get any wilder thoughts at that time. I was never this way; thinking about a girl, I should ask her quickly. If I had a night with her, maybe I would stop thinking about her. I had 4 vodka shots and went to dance with a girl on the dance floor. While dancing, I noticed the girl wearing a black headband in her hand which reminded me of Dharshana. OMG!, why am I thinking of that girl? Ok, let me sort this out tomorrow. The next day morning, I was earlier to the college. Everyone was staring at me and talking something among themself. I was waiting for Dharshana, and only after some time, I came to know she was working in the canteen. So, I stepped to the canteen, but I got her halfway, I told her that I had come to meet her. She was in a hurry, she made me walk faster as she did. She asked me the correct time, and before replying she held my hands and started to run. She said, “If I am late today, the professor will kill me”. When she held my hands, I didn't know how to react. It was like my whole world had been stopped. In my college, there are many walking paths, there will be trees on both sides. The walking path was full of flowers, we were trying to run without stepping on the flowers. When she was jumping here and there, it was cute but cringey too. She asked me to run without stepping on flowers. Without hesitation, I too did as she did. But it was really nice, once we reached our block, we stopped running and started to laugh at seeing each other. We reached the classroom before 2 minutes. When we both entered the class, the professor didn't even raise a single question.Then she went and sat on her bench, as usual, I went to my last bench. I thought of asking her today, but something has stopped me from asking her. She will be sitting before three benches in the right corner. She will be clearly visible from my place. I was looking at her, her hair was too wavy, her chimmiki’s were like swings, and the little bangles would perform a dance while she was taking notes. Wow! What a beauty, I don't know what attracted me to her. Maybe she is simple without makeup. She is real without any fake faces; there is innocence in her smile. Suddenly, my professor changed her seating and asked her to sit on another bench. She was feeling uncomfortable, there was no fan for her place, so she felt like roasting. I couldn’t bear that, so I straight away went to the management and asked them to put an extra fan in my class for me. It’s really very hot outside, so I wasn't able to sit inside the class. I told them that I would bear all the expenses for that. Then without raising a single question, they put a fan straight next to her. Now she won't feel uncomfortable, I don't know why am I behaving like this. I feel like she is mine, even a small thing about her disturbs me a lot. On that day evening, I stopped her and asked her to teach me some topics. I sat near her, she was teaching me very sincerely. She was using a paper to take notes. The paper is of very cheap quality (typewriting paper), so I gave her my classmate's brand notebook. But she refused it and said “No need, having a paper to take notes is more than enough. Anyways the topic notes are the same even in the low-quality paper or in an A4 sheet. Then she started to teach me the next topic.

A little bit I went closer to her, but she didn't notice it. There was no gap between us; in the urge to kiss her, I went closer to her. I kept my hands on her shoulder and pulled her towards me. My breath touched her face, I think she could feel me. She didn't stop me, so I took it as approval from her. I closed my eyes to kiss her. Suddenly she touched my forehead and said “Your body is very hot, what happened to you. I think you are not feeling well”. Meanwhile, she was checking my forehead and throat to see do I had a fever. I opened my eyes, she was sitting very close to me. She looked into my eyes, in those eyes there was no lust; it was full of affection and caring. By seeing her eyes, my eyes filled with tears. For the first time, I looked into a woman’s eyes; the next moment the thought of lust shattered away from my mind. I never felt this way with any other woman. She held my hands and dragged me to the college dispensary. I know it is the worst idea, but what to do, I have no other choice. My kind advice to everyone is please don't visit the college dispensaries because they don't even do a basic check-up. But they are very cautious about the rules; if it is Monday they will give you yellow color pills, if it is Tuesday you will get a red color, then for the rest of the day they will have different colors of pills. If your pain is bearable then they will give you one pill, if it is adorable pain then you will get 2 to 5 pills. If I say this to Dharshana, she is not going to listen, so I went to the dispensary. The lady there was checking me with the stethoscope in my stomach portion. I don’t know where she completed her medical studies. She asked me what I had for dinner last night. The actual answer is Vodka, beer, chicken 65, whiskey, and some more; but I can't say this in front of Dharshana. So, I replied “Pizza”. The doctor lady said, “Yes, this is the problem”. After all her test cases, she finally said it was indigestion. Thank god she didn't say it was “brain tumor”. Dharshana asked the lady, what food should I have and about the medicines. The lady took a big box; it had 12 columns; in each column, there were different colors of pills. The lady gave me a red color pill because it was Tuesday, but I stared at her and said “I need green color pills". Without any hesitation, she asked me to take whatever color I wanted. I was so shocked and started to laugh in front of her. I stopped it when Dharshana gave me an angry look. She told me to lie down in the dispensary bed and she went somewhere. I was lying on the bed and thinking seriously about how to ask her for a night. Ok, here we will be all alone, let me ask her today, and then she will be mine tonight. In the middle, the doctor lady came and asked do I needed anything. I gave her an arrogant look and said to not disturb me for an hour in a rude manner. Then Dharshana came inside the room with a tiffin box. While leaving the doctor lady told Dharshana that I was too rude. She smiled at her and replied, “No mam, his tone might be like that”. She brought curd rice from the college mess and told me to have it. For 5 minutes I didn't touch it, so she took the tiffin box in her hands and started to feed me. In my childhood days, my mother used to feed me by telling stories. The thoughts of my mother were wandering in my mind. The curd rice was really tasty, it might be because she is feeding me. In my home, daily they cook many varieties of foods, but I won't have anything. Dharshana asked me what I would have for breakfast. I said, " Usually I will skip breakfast and dinner. Then she pinched my ears and said, “Hereafter you should not skip breakfast”. I nodded, and she gave me the medicine. For her sake I had them. Whenever I go near her with a thought of lust, she makes it disappear with her affection. Day by day I tried to get closer to her. I came to college only to meet my friends, but nowadays I am coming to college only to see her. I will sit only on the last bench but now I am voluntarily sitting on the 3rd bench, only to see her. I am trying to get her trust as best I can. Nowadays I am not skipping breakfast too. In my house, there will be a long dining table and they will cook 10 plus dishes only for me. I will eat whatever I like. One day she was wearing a maroon color kurti, which suited her dusky skin tone. The dress perfectly suited her structure. I was admiring her beautiful body structure. Even the god will take a seat in admiring it. Day by day I am getting obsessed with her. I don't know what's stopping me from asking her. In the beginning, I was watching her only for her body structure but now I don't know what happened to me. One day we both were returning from my college mess. We were talking seriously about something. The topic ended up with my mother. She asked, “You will love your mom a lot right”. Suddenly my face changed and in a very low tone I replied “no”. She started to laugh and said, “You're lying”. I got angry and shouted, “I said no”. She never saw me in an angry state. She was shocked, her eyes filled with tears. I started to walk forward fast. She tried to hold my hands, I pushed her away. In anger, I went to the parking lot, took my car, and went to a bar. I drank till I cooled down, wherever I saw, I could see Dharshana. Omg! Can anyone please help me with this? I drank more and more so that I would be unconscious and forget her. Her thoughts, voice, smell, everything disturbed me a lot. Every girl there looked like Dharshana. There was a mirror, I went near it. My heart asked me “Are you falling for her?”. My brain told me “If you spend a night with her, you will be alright. Don't fall for her, she will also leave you one day like your mom”. Ok, let me stop thinking about her and enjoy the party. I went to the dance floor and started to dance with the girls on the floor. A girl there was pretty hot and danced with me for some time. While leaving she gave me a hug and when she came near to kiss me. Suddenly I saw Dharshana’s face, I couldn't kiss her. In drowsiness, I said “Dharshana” in her ears unknowingly. That girl pushed me away and went in anger. What's happening, I shouted Dharshana’s name; took a beer bottle, and threw it in the wall. I started to break everything nearby. A glass piece tore my palm, it started to bleed. I didn't notice it properly, in the alcoholic hype I drove my car. For the first time, a girl’s thoughts disturbed me a lot. I am half conscious while driving, I drove the car at 180 km speed. I couldn’t see anything properly, everything was blurry, but how I could see Dharshana’s face clearly. Oh god! Please, please help me. I should throw her thoughts out of my mind. I was increasing the speed higher, and suddenly I missed the control and met with an accident. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. There is a fracture in my leg, they told me I should walk only with the walking stick for some days. They also told me not to drink alcohol during medication. I didn't listen to anyone, I did what I wanted to. For a week, I was in hospital; though I was a VIP patient there was no diminish in their service. Especially the nurses who were taking extra care for tips; what a greedy world. After one week, they discharged me. The next Monday, I went to college. I know I can't walk, but I took my walking stick along with me. I didn’t see Dharshana for a week. When I entered the class, my eyes were looking for her. I need to apologize for my behavior on that day. But she was not in the class, I think she will be in the canteen. I waited for her, my eyes were looking at the door for her. For a long time, she didn't come, I can't ask anyone in the class. There were no boys in the class, so I called my friend on the phone. He told me that all the boys were in another block for some event arrangements. Only girls were sitting in the class, they were talking behind my back, I felt very uncomfortable, I was tolerating them only for Dharshana. I waited for 1 hour, I think she didn't come to college today. I needed to use the washroom, so I tried to get up from the bench. I tried to walk with my walking stick, but unfortunately, my legs slipped and I fell down. Everyone there started to laugh at my condition. I don't know where Dharshana came from, she held me and helped me to sit on the bench. Other girls were saying “Don't help him, he is a bad boy; he used to say girls are just products for him; he has money, it will come and hold him; don't touch him Dharshana”. She replied, “He is my friend”. I thought she wouldn't help me, but she took the stick and gave it to me. She also helped me walk to the washroom. She also helped me from the washroom to the classroom. She is the real face of a woman. Without any hesitation, she helped me, even against her friends' words. When I see her, it reminds me that “my mom should have been like her”. Since my childhood I never thought of “why I don't have a mom” but today after seeing her caring I am really longing for my mom’s affection. I really miss the caring of my mom, my mom left me when I was ten. So, I never know how a mom’s caring and affection will be. I never regretted for my mom, but today while seeing her caring I really miss the love of a mother. Why did God have done this to me? There are many servants in my house, they will keep the food on the table, that's it. If I don't eat, they don't even ask the reason. When Dharshana came into my life, it was a water drop in a desert. Maybe it can turn into rain or a mirage. I ever felt this way, her caring proved to me not all women are the same. Then she helped me to sit on the bench. She asked me whether I was ok or not. I replied, “yeah fine”. Then she asked me “Do I need something else”. When I said “no”, she started to leave the place. I held her hands; and looked into her eyes. I couldn’t say anything, she understood it and patted my shoulders. She said, “Everything will be alright soon”. Seeing her after a week, I couldn’t speak a single word in front of her. I was getting nervous even to call her name. She was busy with arranging her bags, her eyes saw me only a few times, but my eyes were looking only at her. Apart from her outer beauty, she is sexy from the bottom of her heart too. Her caring and affection attract me more. Day by day I care for her more. Then she went to the canteen for her part-time work. Nowadays, she is very busy, she has no time to talk to me properly. Ok, let me make up my mind, It’s not love, she is a good friend of mine. I care for her, not more than that. Finally, I made a decision on this. She is just a friend to me, I can care for her but on a certain limit. Day by day we became very good friends, sometimes the thought of lust would knock my mind. But I will control myself and try to concentrate on other things. We got our semester exam timetable, and she got very tense and said “The time span is very short, we have to prepare well”. No matter what, girls are always girls when it comes to studies, dressing, and makeup. But in the boy's dictionary, we will confirm which subject by looking at the question paper. She told me that she had no time and she wanted to study hard. The exam preparation holiday was 15 days, anyhow I am not going to prepare anything. In the evening I told her goodbye and asked her to text me at least once a day. After that, I went to my house, and many months later I got a call from my dad. It was like 11:30 pm, and for 5 minutes I was looking at the phone display. Finally, I picked up the call. He asked me “How are you?”. I replied, “Yeah, Yeah fine”. He said, “How about your studies?”. I said, “Yeah fine”. He said, “Tomorrow is your birthday, Happy birthday. Have a great year”. I said “Thanks”. Then he hung up the call, for every year, only on my birthday he used to call me and say the same dialogue. I couldn’t sleep thinking about this. I took a beer bottle; took my car and went to the beach. There was no one, I took my beer; sat in the sand, and started to have it. Watching the sea waves, the moon in the sky, dark clouds, and the sound of the breeze; calmed my mind. But in frustration, I started to blabber “Today is the day my mom left me. Hey mom, you will be happy with someone. As a ten year child, what’s my mistake? In one day, God has taken everything from me. I have lots of money but I don't have a single person to care for me. Even today, I am scared of the thunder and lightning sound. Why have you left me like trash?, don't you love me? For every boy, his mother is their strength but in my case, you are my weakness. Do you think that I don't deserve your love? In my school, for other children, their mothers will feed them, but I will have my lunch by myself. Do you know how many days I have skipped lunch? To hide my pain, I drink alcohol, have sex with random girls, and show off that I am rude to others. In this selfish world, I am all alone Mom. They tell me that I am rude but this world made me rude. I have friends but they stand for me only because I am rich. My dad doesn't even call me, he calls me only on my birthday. Hey god! You are showing partially, that the people around me are living happily with their family but my family is ruined. What you will get by punishing me like this?. I agree that I am a rich kid, but I am not happy god. Do you hear me, if so do some miracle so that I can be happy? I lost everything in my life at the age of ten, there is no reason to live”. After blabbering for some time, I slept on the beach itself. In the morning, around 7 AM, my phone vibrated. It was Dharshana, I didn't pick up the call so she texted me to come to a location that she had shared with me. Then I went home and got ready. I went to that place in my car; oh! Shit, it was a temple. I don't believe in god, but for the sake of Dharshana, I came here but I was waiting outside. She came out from the temple; wearing a peach color anarkali; eyes like the wings of a phoenix; wearing a dozen bangles in each hand; matching chimmiki’s which swings like a melody song; lilly flower in her smooth silky loose hair; even the beauty of angel will be nothing in front of her. I asked her “What is the occasion?”. She replied, “Yes, it's an occasion, it's your birthday”. Her answer put a smile on my face. I never went inside a temple, so I was standing outside. Even though I told her, she dragged me inside the temple by holding my hands. In front of the god, she was doing some ordination, and the priest came and asked me about some astrology things like the birth star and something. I don't know anything about it. So, they did the ordination for the god. After praying to the god, Dharshana was doing squats in front of the god. I asked her what she was doing. She replied that we have put squats in front of lord Ganesh, if we do so he will make all our wish true. Even though it was cringey, I didn't say anything. She was so cute while doing it. She was forcing me to do squats; praying to the god that she wanted to get pass marks in all the subjects. What a funny girl, I asked her “do you need the question paper, I will get it for you. You can pass easily”. She started to beat me in a childish way. It was like a mom beating his son. Then she asked me do I have any other plans like partying with friends and dinner with my girlfriend. I said “nothing”. She told, “We have to sit in the temple before leaving, so that god will bless us”. For her sake, I tolerated it to the extent I could. While I was sitting, she went to the statue of the cow (Lord Nandhi) and murmured something. If I ask her, she will definitely give me a cringey answer. By hearing that my blood pressure will cross its limit. So I was sitting like I didn't notice it. I know anyhow she wont leave it, as I guessed she came and said that by saying our wish in the cow’s ears will come true. OMG! Today is my birthday, I think in a few minutes it will turn out to be my death day. I want to ask this to all the boys in this world “Do these girls know they are doing cringey things? They are doing the cringey things and saying it's cute. How the boys tolerate this. I too need to learn this skill”. Then we were sitting in the temple on the ground. I never sat on the floor, it was my first time; it was peaceful. She told me that she had planned for the whole day, so I wanted to cancel all my plans. Then she asked me why I didn't know about my astrological star. I told My mom didn't say that to me. Dharshana didn't know anything about my family, so I voluntarily told her about my parents and my entire story. She asked me do I knew where my mom lives now. I replied, “I don't know and I don't want to know”. She patted my shoulders and said, “Life is simple; try to forgive everyone so that you won't hold to that pain”. I replied, “You won't understand my pain”. She smiled at me and said, “You are really a very good human being”. I replied “I am not. What do you know about me? I drink alcohol every day; I smoke; I hurt others; if I feel stressed I will sleep with girls. Don't say that I am good. I am not. I don't want the certificate of a good person”. She started to laugh and said that we can leave. I asked her about her family. She said that she has a very big family of 5 elder sisters, 8 younger sisters, 3 uncles, 2 aunties, and so on. Her list was too big, at least she had someone to care for her. I think in this big world god has only left me all alone. She said that she would give an intro to her family members. I told her that I would get my car but she refused. She said "let's go on public transport". I asked one of the servants to get my car home. As her wished we took a bus, for the first time I was traveling in a bus; for every break, I was falling on the person standing in front of me. Thank god, it was an uncle; he didn't say anything. After 5 stops Dharshana told “We have arrived”. It was a single road, after a few minutes of walking, we reached a building. The gate was too big, and when we entered some kids rushed towards Dharshana. They hugged her and said “Dhidhi, where were you?, We were looking for you”. She hugged them back and gave them a kiss. It was an old building, there were some cracks in the wall. So much space was in front of the building; on the two sides there were many plants; many kids were playing on one side and on the other side some aunties were cutting vegetables by sitting on the floor. The kids were asking her who am I. She smiled at me and said, “he is my best friend”. They asked me to play with them, and I said would join them afterward. Then Dharshana introduced me to her aunties. When I went inside the building, there were no basic needs too; there were only 5 rooms; one big hall with many old bedsheets. When I asked Dharashana about this she replied with a smile “This is my home Iyaan; I live here”. I asked her in shock “Are you an orphan? Are you living in an orphanage?”. She said, “I am not an orphan; they are my family; I am so happy being a part of this family; God has blessed me with this family”. Then we went to the kitchen; she introduced me to her elder sisters; they were wearing tored clothes, and when I asked them they told me most of the time we work in the kitchen we don't need good clothes. Suddenly a girl came and gave a skirt top to Dharashana and said “Yesterday we went to collect clothes for the orphanage, I have saved this dress for you, Dharshana you can wear this to college, it's less tanned”. She accepted with a smile, but the dress was really in a very bad condition. By seeing these things my heart felt harder, I felt suffocation. I told her that I would stand outside. While I was standing there, an uncle came and asked me who am I. I said “Dharashana’s friend”. He insisted me to have lunch at their place. He went to a long hall where there was no one, he asked me to sit next to him. Then in a few minutes, everyone started to assemble there for lunch. The elder sisters brought the meal; Dharshana gave her plate to me because there were no extra plates. A small girl sat next to me and said “Bhai your plate has a hole, you can have my plate; it’s in good condition”. Even Though the plate was rusted in the backside, I accepted it. They served the food; it was only rice and dal. They served one by one but unfortunately, the rice was not sufficient for all. Noticing that the uncle next to me said “I forgot that I had lunch with my co-worker”. He left the place by drinking two glasses of water. Then the aunties told them they were fasting and won't have food today. They gave their plates (food) to the kids; then the elder sisters laughed and said that they had some while cooking in the kitchen. Then the kids started to eat, and when Dharshana told me to eat; I couldn’t even touch the plate. In my home, if the food is not tasty or if they forget to add salt I will throw it out; the long dining table with ten styles of foods flashed in front of my eyes for a moment. I couldn’t swallow the food, it was very hard for me. I just had some and gave the remaining to Dharshana; told her to have it. There was very little amount of food on that plate, Dharshana and her elder sisters shared it equally. The first question in my mind is “How they can be happy by having this many problems? They don't even have basic needs in this place. There was no fan; only a few bulbs; rusted plates; torn clothes; no adequate food and the list goes on. I went out, there was a slap near a banyan tree and I was sitting there and thinking about this seriously. Dharashana came and sat near me, I asked her “Why you didn't say that you are an orphan?”. She replied “I have family Iyaan. It’s more than enough. You are complaining a lot about your family and life. Do you know something: you have food to eat; a house to stay; a family; money to spend for today and a healthy body; the things that you have apart from these five are a blessing for you Iyaan. Many people don’t have this too. I am so happy that I am here with caring people around me. Don't hate your family for their imperfection and mistakes, remember many people don't have a family”. A small girl came near me and pulled my pants, when I asked her what, she asked me to come with her. I think the girls will be around 2 years old, wearing a gown, chubby cheeks, sweet voice, double-sided ponytail, and cute small fingers. When I went with her, I was really surprised. Everyone was assembled there, kept a half-broken stool and a jam-bun on it with a small candle. Everyone invited me with a great smile on their face. The moment my thoughts were “They were happy even without anything, but I am having everything and get depressed”. The kid told me that she had spent her savings to buy this bun for me. I started to cry the next moment, I wouldn't be happy this much even if I celebrated my birthday in a five-star hotel. After blowing the candle, I cut the bun and fed the small girl. She gave me a kiss on my cheeks, I told Dharshana that this was the first time I had celebrated my birthday after many years. I like that small girl, she gave her savings to me. For sometimes she was playing with my hair with her little fingers. After that I played with the kids, we played hide and seek; ran, and made some paper crafts for them. I love to play with that small girl; she was adamant to play in the swing. I made her sit in the swing and pushed it very slowly; she enjoyed it; by seeing her smile I felt very happy; I couldn’t even describe it in words. Then she played with slides and others too. Sometimes when she is about to fall, I will do some stunts to catch her. She got tired after playing for some time, and then she asked for a flower, I picked one; combed her hair, and kept the flower on it. She loved it and said, “Bhai, I like you a lot; you please stay with us; let's play more games”. I smiled at her and Dharshana said “he has to go; he has his own home”. Suddenly she acted like she was angry with me. Compromising this little angel was difficult but I succeeded in my mission. She allowed me to leave only on one condition I should pay a visit to her whenever she asks. I promised her and told that next time I would bring more chocolate and ice cream for her. After saying a bye to Dharshana, I took a walk to the bus stand, I reached my house by taking a bus. As I entered the house, I went to the kitchen and asked them to prepare only one food for dinner. The maid in the kitchen gave me a gulab jamun and wished me a happy birthday. She used to do it every year, I would throw it away but this time I held her hands and said thanks. Dharshana was correct, if we treat everyone as family, the entire world is our family. After getting the wishes from all the servants I went to my room. I was lying on the bed when I closed my eyes, and my mind rewinded the whole day. I couldn’t sleep, the memory of the day disturbed me more. I didn't know what to do so I started to have alcohol, after having 2 bottles I felt drowsy and slept. The next day morning, I woke up at 1’o clock. I woke up early today, I should appreciate myself. After refreshing, I was searching for my phone. It was under the pillow, and when I unlocked it, there were 57 missed calls from Dharshana. She has texted 10 messages like come soon. I think there was some emergency, but the text was at 9:00 AM. I took my car and drove it at 120 km speed. On my way, I was praying to all the gods to save Dharshana. She should be safe, god please keep her safe. She will call me in rare cases, but today she called me 57 times. I reached there in 15 minutes. I rushed there; the gate was already open; and the place was crowded. Everyone was crying, and my heart started to beat faster; I had never been scared in my life but today, every footstep made me scared. I went into the crowd and pushed everyone aside. Suddenly I heard a voice screaming my name. It's Dharshana, she came and hugged me tightly. I was broken into millions of pieces, I couldn’t stand; without strength, I kneeled on the ground; my eyes were shedding tears; I couldn’t able to breathe properly. My little angel was dead; my heart couldn’t accept this; they kept her body on a table. How god can be cruel?, he took away the life of the little girl. Dharshana said that she asked to see me once in her last moments; that is why she gave me 57 missed calls. She held her breath as much as she could but at 9:45 am she left the world. Dharshana’s gave me a small box to me. When I opened it, there were 10 rupees inside it. Dharahana said that she saved this to buy a jam-bun for me when I visit next time. While hearing this I started to cry like something. I lost a person who loved me purely. I hugged my angel and gave a forehead kiss to her. I held her little hands and said “I am really sorry, I am late; Please forgive me; if I was on time I am sure I would have saved you. Please come back, this time I won't break my promise. Come get up let’s play games; I will comb your hair; I will treat you like a princess my dear”. I screamed “Please come back….. Please don't leave me like this”. We all were crying till 3:00 pm, then I made the arrangements for her funeral. I bought a new gown of her favourite colour; I combed her hair; and kept a flower on it. Then they took my angel for the burial. After all the rituals we came back to the orphanage. They gave me some water, but I didn't drink. Wherever I see, I can see the memories of my angel. My eyes were shedding the tears and staring at the same place. I was sitting on the slap near the banyan tree. Dharshana came and sat near me. She held my hands and said, “Can I ask you something?”. I didn't reply to anything. So she continued “Will you come to my funeral too?”. I couldn’t speak a word. Yet I didn't come out of this, Dharshana is creating a new story. I didn't understand anything. I looked at her eyes, it was full of tears. She died of cancer Iyaan, even I will die one day; will you hold my hands like this? I couldn't able to speak a word after hearing this. She said that she would die in a few days, everyone in this orphanage are patients, and they were going to die soon. She asked me to promise me that I will be with her in her last moments. I screamed her name and started to cry harder. I said, “Dharshana please don't hurt me more, I can't hold this much pain”. She hugged me tightly and said, “Iyaan, you are my only friend, you should come to my funeral. If you don't I will come to your home as a ghost. You will say you will sleep with random girls. Do you want to sleep with me too? I know Iyaan, you were wandering with me only to ask this. Just spilt it now, do you want a night with me”. What can I reply to her question, I hugged her tightly; tears flowed like a flood from my eyes; gave her a forehead kiss, and said, “My love for you is beyond lust”.Dharshana..............

After a few days my Dharshana left the world. She said that she was a passing cloud in my life but she doesn’t know she is my sky. She told me, once she leaves the world I will find someone to replace her, yes I agree but they are not my Dharshana. She will always remain in my heart and in my memories. I learned one thing from her: “Be grateful for what you have, don't think about the uncontrollable things in life”. I can be a millionaire but I wasn't able to save my women. They say this is fate, I tried to fight fate but I lost. 

Today she has changed me into a disciplined man. I quit drinking alcohol, visiting the temple daily, completed my degree, and am trying to help cancer patients as much as I can. Let my money save at least one Dharshana in this world. This is the ordination that I can give to her. True love is the most powerful weapon in the world, it can change rich to poor and poor to rich. It can mould you into anything. The right woman at the right time in your life will change your entire life. Dharshana is the woman who taught me affection, caring, love, humbleness and everything. Today I have turned into a man that she expected to be. She always wanted me to be kind and humble. Nothing can change a man unless the pure love of a woman. Dharshana, you are the one in my heart. You are that one woman in my life. I will love you until my last breathe.......